I've discovered not all people are baby people. Some are taken back by how small they are. Some the amount of noise such a tiny creature can create. Not me. I'm addicted to their smell, the warmth, the way they want so much to be enveloped and loved. It's like crack. Only more expensive if you have one your own. Which is why, after being so very blessed with 4 of our own, I have taken to getting my "fix" from other peoples babies.
Holding a baby makes your worries so small. You look at how helpless yet hopeful they are. They're brand new, endless possibilities ahead of them. They smell like happiness (until they smell like something else but that's not even bad at the beginning.) It also transports me back to the first days of each of my four children. Some of the most vulnerable yet empowering days I've ever experienced. After having c-sections I was dependent on others for physical help to get around for the first few days. At the same time this sweet little baby was dependent on me for it's very existence. Such a strange and beautiful dichotomy. I'm usually very independent so I do relish the time where I can exhale, let go of the control and just enjoy the spoiling. I don't recommend a c-section just to earn yourself a few days of being taken care of but it is one of the perks.
My youngest child has turned 3 recently. He is no longer dependent on me for many of the things he once was. He walks, gets his own food often, asks for what he needs with words other people understand and not coo's and cries that only I know instinctively. This is typically the time my mind and body begin pulsing for another newborn. This time I am unable to answer the call. After 4 c-sections and much prayerful consideration the doctors, my husband and myself felt it best to put a "going out of business" sign on the baby factory. It was a bittersweet decision. It makes me feel like less of a woman when you are no longer able to conceive and carry a child. Thankfully God has given me peace with my decision. There are restful nights of sleep in my weekly routine. Diapers will soon be gone from my life after 11 years of always being in a basket on the side table. Binkies will no longer need to be fished out from under furniture. Bottle liners, formula and mylicon are no longer a staple on my shopping lists. They have been replaced by bread and snacks for lunchboxes. Ingredients for class party goodies. Cards and gifts for friends birthday parties. Sleeping bags for sleepover parties. Rubbing alcohol for cleaning newly pierced ears. Clear lip gloss for girls who want to grow up too fast.
All the while I still see them as these helpless, precious little gems that God sent down from Heaven and placed straight into my arms. The more they want to grow the more I want to keep them small. As they grow they think they need me less. As they grow I need them even more. It's amazing how you do everything you can to make them wise, kind, loving people that you will set free upon the world. All the while breaking your heart knowing they will one day do just that, go.
So you press on joyfully. You adjust to the new role as they grow and change. You learn to give space while knitting a massive safety net they should know is always there to fall into. You teach what we do. Why we do it. Why this is right. Why that is wrong. How you treat friends. How you treat strangers. Why we have to do homework. How the dishes do not wash themselves. Why a relationship with God is vital. How prayer works. What you should eat. How you should care for yourself. Why friends are important. What kind of man you should look for to marry (just like your Daddy). How you should treat a lady. If you play your cards right they will one day be that same person you are tripping over yourself to visit in the hospital with a precious little gem of their own. You'll be able to dote on another precious life. You'll get that same gift and be able to relish it even more with a mind clear from sleep. With a heart open because you fully understand how immense this event is. You'll get all the good stuff with very few diapers or tears.
*runs out the door to hold that baby girl*
